What drives to an end is the insufficient beginning

I would have crawled to bed at this time usually but I have not been able to sleep if I haven't exhaust all my energy.
How long has it been that I always sleep after exhausting myself through tears?
Time seems to die on me lately...

I would try to hold myself as fair and just as I can be. If I would want others to respect my own life, not to interfere with my likings, I try not to do otherwise to others.
But still I am a selfish soul.
The feeling of anguish and sorry were well mixed in my meeting yesterday. One that I really shouldn't have suggested.

You have any idea how I live my days lately?
Inside I wanted someone so badly to comfort me. I was so lonely and helpless. I wish I know what to do. And I just keep blaming myself. I guess I could easily always take you as a leaning shoulder while I wait for a hope to come by but I just wanted to hold on by myself. Selfishness should have a limit and I am serious this time round.
I was and still am praying that you would live well on your own cos' I am doing you this big unfavour now. I don't want to meet you cos' I am scare to bring you more unhappiness and still make you bear the pain of wiping my tears.
These tears...are not for someone that I miss so badly. These tears are telling you how sorry and stupid I feel.

But honestly when you show to me that you are doing good,perhaps even better...I just have this mixed feeling. One telling me that I am relieved and one telling me I am undeserved.

But I don't wish to lie to you. There is not a day yet that I have not quite think of him. Him or him, I am losing my track.

Wo men fen shou le ma?
Hui bi jiao hao ma?

It is just so sanity depriving when you wanted so badly to cry and all you are doing is smiling your days away.